Journey of Acceptance

I had a very unusual experience just two days ago.

Whilst searching for a podcast to listen to (I absolutely ❤ podcasts!), I stumbled across a podcast for stammerers. I scrolled through the episodes and saw many titles about how various people have “stopped” or “ended” their stammer.

The person I was just a few months ago would have dropped everything to listen to that podcast and understand the secrets to finally freeing myself of this paralysing stammer. But, two days ago, a part of me did not immediately leap at this opportunity. In fact, it made me recoil slightly. Yes, I said recoil.

I can’t believe it myself.

The thought of not having my stammer, for a split second, actually made me feel a sense of loss. My mind quickly started wandering into the depth of questioning like “who would I be without my stammer”, “how would I operate without it”, “I won’t be unique without it”.

These are questions I NEVER thought I would ask myself. I have always DESPISED my stammer and the way it makes me feel; the way it silences me; the way it mocks me; and the way it drains me. But, when the opportunity arose to possibly learn how to get rid of it, I didn’t jump at the chance. Don’t get me wrong, I probably will listen to one of two of the stories of how people managed to stop their stammer, but they will not be the first podcasts onthat channel that I will listen to.

So, what has caused this change, you might be asking⁉️

Well, in short, I have been getting out there. Whilst kicking off my new business, I have had to go online and deliver presentations or teachings. I have also delivered a couple of speaking events to international audiences. Yes me! I still have trouble believing it as I am typing it. It still feels like I’m reading someone else’s story.

But, each time I deliver one of these events, I mention my stammer when I introduce myself and let people into my backstory. I bring it to the forefront so I am not trying to hide it. I free myself from the restraints of trying to disguise the stammer and, instead, free it.

Release it.

Release myself.

I then go on to stammer throughout the presentation, but it carries much less weight and burden. This recent journey I have started has been so scary and frightening but, more importantly, has been incredibly empowering and has built up a strong sense of resilience. It has not been an easy start at all and I still have lots more work to do. But, to reach this stage of having an option to learn how to be rid of my stammer but not immediately pouncing on it, instead questioning whether that is what I really want is a huge milestone for me in this lifelong journey of acceptance.

The next time I find myself criticising myself for stammering or even criticising the stammer itself, I will softly say to myself . . .