I have a stammer. It comes across as being very mild, some people say they “didn’t even notice it“. However, in my mind it is very loud and always present because of the mechanisms I have to put in place to try to manage it. I describe it to people as feeling like my words are being typed on a crisp piece of paper by an old typewriter. I can see the words coming up that I want to say and have full awareness of the word I will struggle with. As that word gets closer, my heart starts to race. My mind enters a battle with my ego: should I attempt to say the word so I can be fully understood or should I just choose an alternative word which is much easier to say and save any hurt to my pride? Most times, the latter argument wins – ego prevails and all is well.
But, what that means is that talking can often be very exhausting. Having to plan, in real-time, what I want to say, decide which words are feasible, then deploy distraction mechanisms to either get the word out or avoid the word completely. All this on top of the normal thought processes people go through when they speak. It can be very exhausting. This is why, for many years, I avoided telephone calls with friends and family and instead produced lengthy text messages and email essays. It was too pressurising to know that the person on the other end of the line was hanging onto my every word and I could not distract them with wild hand movements. They would just sit and wait for the words to clumsily trip out of my mouth.
When you throw in a pandemic – forcing everyone to communicate through virtual means – this may have been a stammerers’ nightmare! But, for me, it has actually been the opposite! Don’t get me wrong, it definitely started out as horrendous. I hated jumping onto Skype, Zoom and Microsoft Teams calls. Every time the app would ring, I would want to throw my laptop out the window and crawl under my bed (as I didn’t have a desk at that time), but I knew I had to take the call or join the meeting as it was fast becoming the main way to communicate with people. Knowing that people would be able to watch me, close up, contorting my face as I tried to throw certain words out was paralysing – particularly as I had started a new job towards the beginning of the “lockdown”. But, I had to keep pushing through those mental barriers.
I tried different techniques of camera off, then camera on but with poor lighting so I couldn’t been seen properly; but, surprisingly, I found that having my camera off seemed to help. Although this might be considered anti-social by some people, it gave me the safe space of using my body and my face to get my words out without anyone witnessing me doing it. This was a bonus I had never considered before. The other freeing factor was just letting a handful of people know that I have a stammer – in the workplace and in my mentoring groups. Saying it out aloud meant I was not trying to hide it. I participated in an interview that would be made available to thousands of attendees at a virtual conference and I mentioned the stammer within the first five minutes. I also gave a speech at another, more intimate, event about the power of communication and mentioned my stammer within the first few seconds. The act of not hiding it felt like I was giving less fuel to it and its ability to keep me verbally mute.
Now, after much practice (over a year) and revealing the stammer to various people, I feel much less angry towards it (I realise I am personifying it even as I write here and now). A colleague recently messaged me to say they admired the fact that I do not let the stammer stop me from saying what I want to say during meetings. That is the first time anyone has said anything like that. It’s almost like the stammer is becoming a super power. I want to beat it each time and that encourages me to want to speak more. By overcoming the anxieties that come with having a stammer and gently easing myself into giving speeches, speaking up in meetings etc, I realise it is fuelling me to speak from an authentic place.
I hope this post inspires other people who have a stammer. Even though it is something that may not go away, we have the power to change our relationship with it – after all, it is likely to be with us for the rest of our lives and trying to fight it can be so tiring.
If you are someone who knows someone with a stammer, I hope this has given you some insight into what they may be going through or masking. If you have a stammer and would like to get in touch, please hit the “contact” button.
Stammer on people and turn it into your super power!
SAA Tulloch Writes 